(continued)
Just because you are not actually being physically hurt doesn’t mean that you’re not in an abusive relationship. Determining this can sometimes be tricky. The basis of abuse is an imbalance of power, and this is not always easy to recognize. The first act of abuse happens in the mind of the abuser when he (or she) begins to diminish you and see you as an object. This is very easy to miss.

If you are being hurt physically in any way, hear this now: It’s not OK. No matter how you have (or he has) denied it, minimized it or blamed yourself for it, you don’t deserve to be hurt. Nothing justifies physical violence. Nothing! Get help now.

And you’re not alone. There are people out there who want to help you – emotionally, functionally, and financially. So be careful, but come out of hiding.

Now let me present a few basis concepts. Understanding the Cycle of Violence is a good place to begin. This will help you realize that just because you may receive heartfelt apologies (“Honeymoon Phase”) doesn’t mean that everything is all right. It will also help you spot the “Escalation of Tension Phase”, so you can sense if an act of violence (Verbal, emotional or physical) is likely to happen soon.

Please understand, however, that after a certain point, the honeymoon phase drops away and acts of violence become more severe and less predictable. This demonstrates the escalating nature of abusive relationships as the abuser becomes less careful and more brazen as he (or she) makes you more fearful and dependent.

Now, look at the two relationship wheels.

Examine the Power and Control Wheel and see if you recognize any of these types of behavior in your relationship. Reading this can be so disturbing to some people that they go into instant dissociation and denial. So take your time with this, read it through a few times and think it over. Sleep on it. It’s also a good idea to show the Power and Control Wheel to a close friend, if you still have any left (many victims don’t), and ask them if they recognize anything.

Then look at the Equality Wheel. This wheel serves two purposes. First as a goal to strive for, and second as another assessment tool. Let me give you an example. I had a client once say that said she didn’t recognize any behavior on the Power and Control Wheel but she didn’t exactly see any equality behavior either. Though her partner was not an “Abuser” he was rather domineering and she needed support in asserting herself in new ways and setting new boundaries.

She was successful in improving her relationship because her husband was actually unaware of the damage he was doing and also wanted to improve things. Some abusers aren’t aware of the effect of what they’re doing and by showing them the damage they’re causing may want to make adjustments on their own.

More often though, for an aggressive person to change, the stakes must be high enough. That means that the abused partner has to take some kind of decisive action. I am purposefully not telling you your options for this now because I don’t want you to try anything unless you have some idea what to expect. It can be extremely dangerous! Get an experienced professional involved first.

The good news is that something can be done.

In general I can’t tell you what the chances are because that depends on the degree of violence present and the level of motivation and cooperation you can get from the dominant partner

So, again, call me or call someone else. Read some books in secret. Doing nothing only make things worse. Especially when there are children involved.